Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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