And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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