dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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