Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
