why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
