Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have already put on my inside pants.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
