I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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