i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
