he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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