Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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