So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
