Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
