So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
