Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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