Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dick very happy bro
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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