Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
