i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
