instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize
