I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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