tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
