I didn't shave. On purpose
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I need a burrito and a hug.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
