I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize