i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
