Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
