I can tuck mytits in my pants
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
