Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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