i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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