My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
