Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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