I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I love having hate sex.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
