i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
