Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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