I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
