I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize