my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
