she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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