So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
