the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Barsexuality is the new black.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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