Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
