I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
