Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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