the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She told me I should be a condom model.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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