remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
