Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
