two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
