I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
