My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
