I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize