I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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