What did we do last night that was yellow?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
