Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
