The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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