I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
