Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
