is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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