I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
