i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize