Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
