if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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